Making Inauguration Great Again

| published November 29, 2016 |

By Jeff Cahlon, Thursday Review contributor

With inauguration day approaching, President-elect Donald Trump took time away from transition planning to prepare his inaugural speech. Thursday Review received an advance copy, and we have printed it below.

My fellow Americans, it is a great honor to be sworn in as your president.

Like all of you, I have tremendous love for this amazing country we live in. After all, where else could a reality television star, with the temperament of a child, and even less knowledge about the world, receive 2 million fewer votes than his opponent but still be elected president.

Or as I like to call it: a mandate.

But amazing as this country is, I think we all agree that we have lost our way.

So we begin today a journey. A journey back in time. Back to a time when America was great.

A time when nasty women knew their place, and that place was locked up behind bars.

A time when if you were a star, you could do anything, and women would let you, as long you were enough of a gentleman to pop in a couple Tic Tacs first. Because locker room talk wasn’t limited to the locker room, and it wasn’t just talk.

A time when law and order prevailed, and professional protesters knew better than to protest a totally fair unrigged election.

At least, an election that was totally fair other than the millions of illegal votes cast in favor of the protesters’ preferred candidate. I did not want to make such an accusation until I received the strongest possible proof of this voter fraud: a guy on Twitter said it happened.

And if these professional protesters did protest, they would get shot, as surely as a black walking down the street in the inner city, or a bad hombre trying to climb a great big beautiful wall.

I see many members of the corrupt media in the audience today. Contrary to what they have said about me, I believe in healing the terrible divisions that exist in this country. So to the Democrats, I extend my hand in the spirt of reconciliation.

Because while my hands may be small, I have something else that is very large. I refer, of course, to my generosity of spirit. And in that spirit, I offer the Democrats a deal. If you promise to nominate Hillary again, I might even let her stay out of prison.

Because I believe that in this time of rancor and turmoil, we should focus on the beliefs that unite us as Americans. Like how Chris Christie is a pathetic loser.

There are so many amazing, exciting things we will be doing in the next four years, on our journey back to greatness. Like enacting a huge tax cut. Rebuilding our infrastructure and our military. And we’ll do it all while repaying our national debt.

Some critics have pointed out that my promises are mathematically impossible. Not to worry: we will be sending the bill to Mexico.

Or better yet: we will repeal and replace math.

We will also, of course, be repealing and replacing the disaster known as Obamacare. For the 20 million Americans who will lose their healthcare as a result of this repeal, there is no cause for concern. We will replace Obamacare with something terrific. Although let’s be honest. By repeal and replace I really just mean repeal.

As part of the rebuilding of our infrastructure, it is especially important that we rebuild our crumbling schools. As the founder of that acclaimed institute of higher learning, Trump University, I am a strong believer in the importance of education. You may have read recently that I agreed to pay $25 million to settle fraud charges against me brought by Trump University students. Americans should know that I only agreed to this settlement so that I can keep my focus on the most critical issues facing this country, like making sure the strictest standards of Broadway etiquette are maintained. The president has no more important responsibility than making the sure the theatre remains a safe and special place for Mike Pence.

I will also be fulfilling my promise to appoint strict constructionists to the Supreme Court. The Republican Senate did a great job in refusing even to hold a hearing for President Obama’s nominee, Judge Merrick Garland. Because the Constitution is very clear that only Republican presidents should be allowed to appoint judges. It’s spelled out right there in Article XII.

So Americans should rejoice that I will soon nominate another strict constructionist judge to fill the Supreme Court vacancy created by the death of the great Antonin Scalia. This is really great news for all concerned. Because after my appointment is confirmed, Second Amendment rights will be firmly protected, and there will be no need for Second Amendment people to take matters into their own hands. This is what I like to call a win-win.

Similarly, after Roe v. Wade is finally overturned, women who need an abortion but live in states where abortion has been criminalized will have a fantastic reason to travel far and wide throughout this great-again country. And who doesn’t love a road trip? By the way, I own many terrific hotels that they can stay at during their travels. Another win-win!

For women who nonetheless have an abortion in a state where it has been criminalized, there will, of course, need to be some type of punishment. So I’m pleased to announce that I will be opening a new chain of Trump Prisons, where such women will be kept quite comfortable while they repay their debt to society.

I also believe that one of the reasons for the success of my campaign, was that I understood how angry Americans are about our rigged system, in which some people have unfair advantages over others. So I will be forming a special White House task force to put an end to cronyism. Donald, Jr. will be in charge of it.

As part of our journey to make America great again, we will also make American safe again. Americans can rest assured that if that 3am phone call comes, I will be up and ready to focus on any national security emergency, just as soon as I finish my latest tweets about Rosie O’Donnell.

Because my fellow Americans, our road back to greatness may be long, it may be treacherous and winding, full of potholes and detours. But together we will reach our destination. A place of true greatness, free of nasty women, Mexican rapists and murderers, professional protesters, rude Broadway show cast members, and most terrifying of all, a popular vote for the presidency.

But even as we go back, we must also move forward. Because in one way, our destination will be even greater than anywhere we’ve ever been before. I’m talking, of course, about that great wall we will build. A wall that is so big, so beautiful, so shiny and tremendous and terrific, not even the baddest hombre will be able to cross it.

He won’t be able to cross it, but he will be paying for it.

At least, he should hope he won’t get across it, because if he does, there will be a very special wing of Trump Prison awaiting him. And let’s just say, it will make the abortion wing look like Trump Tower.

And when that baddest of hombres enters his cell at Trump Prison, that’s when we will know, my fellow Americans, we are finally great again.

Jeff Cahlon is a lawyer and writer in New York. Jeff writes political commentary, sometimes with a satirical bent.

Related Thursday Review articles:

A Funny Thing Happened on Our Way to the Mainstream Media; R. Alan Clanton; Thursday Review; April 3, 2016.

Trump's Win: How the Pundits & Pollsters Got it Wrong; R. Alan Clanton; Thursday Review; November 11, 2016.