Facts and Their Alternatives

| published February 9, 2017 |

Satire by Jeff Cahlon, Thursday Review contributor

After Speaker of the House Paul Ryan invited President Donald Trump to make a special address to a joint session of Congress, President Trump quickly prepared his speech. We have reprinted an advance copy below.

House Speaker Ryan, Majority Leader McConnell, Minority Leader Schumer, Minority Leader Pelosi, and all of the Senators and members of Congress assembled here today, thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak to you about how we can work together to achieve great things for America. I also just want to say thank you deeply and sincerely for your tremendous dedication to serving this country, and also shame on you for the terrible American carnage you are responsible for!

Politicians like all of you here are all talk and no action. This is especially true of Congressman John Lewis, who outrageously claimed that I am not a legitimate president. Congressman Lewis, your so-called civil rights record cannot even begin to compare to my own amazing civil rights achievements, like how I settled a racial discrimination lawsuit against me with no admission of guilt!

Before I begin to discuss my plans for ending the American carnage this Congress has deliberately inflicted on the American people, I would like to make a special announcement. Immediately after this speech, my press secretary Sean Spicer will hold a press conference at which he will announce the exciting news that this speech was the most-watched presidential address to Congress in history. Period. Sean will not be taking any questions about this statement, since it is already a proven alternative fact.

After all, not even the most dishonest media can dispute the fact that Donald J. Trump is a ratings machine. Just look at how the ratings for Celebrity Apprentice have fallen since Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced me as host.

But now that I am president, I believe we should put the election behind us and focus on my agenda for America, which I have already begun to implement.

So I don’t even want to discuss how the other day, while in the middle of an important tweet about how Arnold Schwarzenegger is a total loser, I happened to see that nasty woman Meryl Streep giving a speech at the Golden Globes. I was surprised to see this since I didn’t know they give an award for being the most overrated actress in Hollywood.

I was also absolutely outraged by what she said about me and I demand an apology. The Golden Globes should be always a safe and special place. Did she even stop to consider whether Mike Pence might be watching?

Streep’s accusation that I mocked a disabled reporter for the New York Times is completely ridiculous. First of all, it’s bad enough that this poor guy works for a failing newspaper. I would never add insult to injury by mocking his disability.

More importantly, I have great compassion for the disabled. I make sure that, in my buildings, everything is completely accessible to the disabled so that they don’t feel discriminated against. And I don’t only do this because it is legally required. Just because it is illegal to discriminate never stopped me from doing it against the blacks!

I also do not even want to discuss how the media have been biased against me ever since I started my run for president. For example, it is so unfair when the dishonest media claim I am not truly the people’s choice, just because I lost the popular vote by 3 million votes. What the corrupt media fail to mention is that I actually won the popular vote, if you just exclude the states Hillary won!

Some members of the media have even questioned my mental suitability for the presidency. So let me assure the American people that I am the most mentally fit and stable president in American history. My memory is absolutely top-notch, for example. Although I do admit, there are some things I have a hard time remembering, like the last time I paid taxes.

What we should really talking about—if we insist on dwelling on the past—is Hillary Clinton’s emails and how she is guilty as hell of many, many crimes. I may need to lock Hillary up as I promised during the campaign. Actually, my promise to lock her up was just a euphemism. But honestly, I meant it totally seriously. Except that I was just being sarcastic. Maybe.

It was very gracious of Hillary to attend my inauguration, by the way. It was also quite brave, considering how I was thinking of having her arrested there.

But I believe we should focus on the future. And one of the top priorities of my administration will be racial reconciliation. In fact, I am the least racist person you will ever meet. I love the Hispanics, for example. That’s why it makes me so upset when the dishonest media keep bringing up that Mexican thing, where I mentioned the unfortunate but undeniable fact that Mexican immigrants are criminals and rapists. Let’s not forget that in that same speech, I also said that there is a possibility—although a highly remote one—that there exists a Mexican who has never committed rape.

That’s right, I believe it is possible—although even the most non-racist among us would have to agree, highly unlikely--that somewhere out there, is a good hombre. And such a person, if he exists, should always feel welcome in America. Because I strongly believe in that famous saying: Don’t throw out the good hombre with the water he used to clean your house with.

Another of my top priorities as president will be filling the vacant Supreme Court seat. I would like to thank Majority Leader McConnell and the Republicans in the Senate for keeping this seat open since the death of Justice Scalia a year ago. Mitch achieved a great victory for democracy by deciding that the Senate would not under any circumstances even hold a hearing for any justice nominated by President Obama. Lest anyone accuse them of obstructionism, Senate Republicans also made it clear that they would definitely allow this vacant seat to be filled by President Obama’s successor, just as long as that successor was a Republican. Or at least white.

With my nomination of Judge Neil Gorsuch, I have fulfilled my promise to nominate a constitutional originalist like the great Justice Scalia. And as Mitch said, it would be totally outrageous if the Democrats even think about trying to block …

Damn, I need to give Mitch some credit. Even I can’t make that argument with a straight face.

Similarly, I look forward to working with Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare. The Republican position on Obamacare is very clear and logical, as Speaker Ryan has articulated. Obamacare is a complete disaster, and is causing the American people to suffer terribly. Therefore, we need to repeal Obamacare as quickly as possible. But we will need to delay the effectiveness of this repeal, so that we don’t end Americans’ suffering too abruptly.

I will soon be introducing my own healthcare plan, which will be much better than Obamacare. Although my plan will not guarantee coverage for all pre-existing conditions, my plan will ensure that all Americans have coverage for the most truly critical healthcare services, like all the latest hair replacement systems!

In addition to working with Congress, I will also be taking action through executive orders. Recently, for example, I issued an executive order to begin building the Great Trump Wall along the Mexican border. Since the wall will cost an estimated $15 billion, I want to assure the American people that Mexico will pay for it. I admit, though, that Mexico will not pay for the wall immediately. But make no mistake, Mexico will pay every last peso for that wall and they will pay for it soon. Almost as soon, in fact, as I will release my tax returns!

I know my adviser KellyAnne Conway has said I do not intend to release my tax returns. Do not believe that nasty woman.

As I’ve explained many times, I will release my tax returns as soon as the audit of them is complete. I only wish I could release them sooner, but I’ve been advised by the finest of legal minds not to release them during the audit. That’s right, though my lawyers have told me I should release the returns, my own very good brain has advised me otherwise, and I know much more about taxes than the lawyers do.

Another important priority for my administration will be promoting the availability of child care. I am a very family-oriented person. Lately, in fact, I have been thinking about the importance of family and how family makes you do strange things. For example, if Ivanka was not my daughter I would date her. Similarly, if Eric was not my son I wouldn’t even speak to him. Ok, bad example.

Then there is my lovely wife Melania. I’m so happy to have her by my side—figuratively speaking, of course. Because I am also happy our marriage is so strong that, while I moved to the White House, Melania felt free to remain home in New York.

You may have read recently that Melania sued a very dishonest media organization for claiming that she used to be a high-end escort. Melania wants everyone to know that the purpose of this lawsuit was not financial. In fact, as Melania said, she already has plenty of money, which she worked very hard for.

I know Sean is eager to begin his news conference, so let me conclude with a few more words. To the members of Congress here today, and the record number of Americans watching on television, I have given you the facts. And under my leadership, beginning right here and right now, we will no longer accept this American carnage.

We have no alternative.

Jeff Cahlon is a lawyer and writer in New York. Jeff writes political commentary and satire.

Related Thursday Review articles:

Making Inauguration Great Again; Jeff Cahlon; Thursday Review; November 29, 2016.

Trump Nominates Gorsuch to Supreme Court; R. Alan Clanton; Thursday Review; February 1, 2017.